Submitted by Barbara Ritsch
Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a
relative.
I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.
I don't approve of political jokes ... I've seen too many of them get elected.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...THAT'S A MESSAGE!
I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been
giving me lately!
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
Friday, November 30, 2007
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Mom: Best Job In The World
I've been a mom (mother) for over 15 years now, and along with gaining spider veins, 25 pounds, and a few dozen worry wrinkles, I've also gained knowledge.
In the twelve years I've learned the following gems of wisdom:
A new mom really can get by on 3 hours and seventeen minutes of sleep per night. You could use the bags under your eyes to pack for a cruise, but at least the sweet smell of poopy diapers can act as smelling salts to revive you.
If it's 2am and your toddler whines, "Mommy, my tummy hurts!", you have three seconds to react before his stomach contents wind up on your pillow case.
A two year old can stuff half a purple crayon up his nose in the time it takes to tie your 4-year-old's shoe.
A mom can have a 102 degree fever, hacking cough, and horrible rash, but she still has to make supper, make a cover for a 6th grade Science book, and take a sliver out of an 8-year-old's finger.
A teenager may call your jokes lame -- but she usually repeats them to her friends.
The best presents are not made of gold or silver, but consist of uncooked macaroni noodles glued to a jar and sprayed with paint.
Being a Mom is the best job in the world, and it's truly worth the spider veins, extra pounds and extra wrinkles.
[ by Darlene Buechel (rljersey@tcei.com) -- from 'Heartwarmer' ]
In the twelve years I've learned the following gems of wisdom:
A new mom really can get by on 3 hours and seventeen minutes of sleep per night. You could use the bags under your eyes to pack for a cruise, but at least the sweet smell of poopy diapers can act as smelling salts to revive you.
If it's 2am and your toddler whines, "Mommy, my tummy hurts!", you have three seconds to react before his stomach contents wind up on your pillow case.
A two year old can stuff half a purple crayon up his nose in the time it takes to tie your 4-year-old's shoe.
A mom can have a 102 degree fever, hacking cough, and horrible rash, but she still has to make supper, make a cover for a 6th grade Science book, and take a sliver out of an 8-year-old's finger.
A teenager may call your jokes lame -- but she usually repeats them to her friends.
The best presents are not made of gold or silver, but consist of uncooked macaroni noodles glued to a jar and sprayed with paint.
Being a Mom is the best job in the world, and it's truly worth the spider veins, extra pounds and extra wrinkles.
[ by Darlene Buechel (rljersey@tcei.com) -- from 'Heartwarmer' ]
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
NORWOOD GIRL FIGHT
Magistrate Sara Schoettmer delivered a lecture aimed at all of the teenage girls involved in the now infamous You Tube fight at Norwood.
One of the girls…Jennifer… testified in court that there are 33 pages of girls fighting (on YouTube)," at which point the magistrate said…and this is our Wake Up Call this morning… "I wish I could find 33 pages of girls studying, trying to get into college or law school instead of fighting after school about whose look you don't like.”
"In the grand scheme of things, who cares? This is time to get an education.
"How about let's work on a different reputation. A reputation of serious students and kind people.”
One of the girls…Jennifer… testified in court that there are 33 pages of girls fighting (on YouTube)," at which point the magistrate said…and this is our Wake Up Call this morning… "I wish I could find 33 pages of girls studying, trying to get into college or law school instead of fighting after school about whose look you don't like.”
"In the grand scheme of things, who cares? This is time to get an education.
"How about let's work on a different reputation. A reputation of serious students and kind people.”
Monday, November 26, 2007
My Living Will
My Living Will
From Amanda’s Uncle Vinnie
Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
So she got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine.
Listen for The B105 Wake Up Call weekday mornings at 5:50am and 7:20am.
From Amanda’s Uncle Vinnie
Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
So she got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine.
Listen for The B105 Wake Up Call weekday mornings at 5:50am and 7:20am.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Dining Without Martha Stewart (Wednesday 11/21/07)
Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes:
1. Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.
2. Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had planned to make. Instead, I've gotten the kids involved in the decorating by having them track in colorful autumn leaves from the front yard. The mud was their idea.
3. The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.
4. Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey.
5. We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hot line. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 am upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds. As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.
6. We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table ... in a separate room ... next door.
7. Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.
8. I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young diners that "passing the rolls" is not a football play. Nor is it a request to bean your sister in the head with warm tasty bread.
9. Oh, and one reminder for the adults: For the duration of the meal, and especially while in the presence of young diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy by its lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce. If a young diner questions you regarding the origins or type of Cheese Sauce, plead ignorance. Cheese Sauce stains.
10. Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice among 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice; take it or leave it.
1. Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.
2. Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had planned to make. Instead, I've gotten the kids involved in the decorating by having them track in colorful autumn leaves from the front yard. The mud was their idea.
3. The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.
4. Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey.
5. We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hot line. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 am upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds. As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.
6. We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table ... in a separate room ... next door.
7. Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.
8. I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young diners that "passing the rolls" is not a football play. Nor is it a request to bean your sister in the head with warm tasty bread.
9. Oh, and one reminder for the adults: For the duration of the meal, and especially while in the presence of young diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy by its lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce. If a young diner questions you regarding the origins or type of Cheese Sauce, plead ignorance. Cheese Sauce stains.
10. Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice among 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice; take it or leave it.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Jesus Take The Wheel (Tuesday 11-20-07)
The weekends are crazy ones at my house, and like every other one this past one was just as rushed and crazy, but I learned a very valuable lesson with this one. In a hurry to get my daughter to softball practice, I rushed out the door telling my family goodbye. This was going t be a special day for my daughter, we were taping a video for her to send to colleges in hopes of getting a scholarship. While traveling on 275 near Tri-county almost to our exit, her small car was hit be a semi-truck. at first I thought we had just blown a tire until our car went sideways into the center lane and I was staring at the front of the semi. Trying to prepare for the impact I pulled my daughter as close as I could to me and prayed that if God was going to take someone, it would be me. After we were hit with such a large force and as we were being pushed down the expressway, I pulled my daughter away from me and looked into her scared eyes and told her that everything was going to be ok, just keep looking at me. I thought at that point, if God has decided that it was my time to be with him then I am going to go looking at one of the most precious gifts that he had given to me, HER! We walked away from the accident without even a scratch. I didn't think that we could have a closer relationship than we already had, but was I wrong. So now everyday when I leave my family, I hug and kiss my 3 boys and husband and tell them how much I love them. As for my daughter, all I have to do is look into her eyes and she already knows the amount of love I have for her. Thank you God for giving me, my daughters life and mine. So, as you walk out the door today and forever, tell your family how much you love them.
Kellie Graham
Kellie Graham
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